A attempt at some clean humor

[ezdays]

A woman says to a store clerk, "I need to buy a Barbie for my daughter. How much are they?" The clerk replies, "Workout Barbie is $19.95, Beach Barbie is $24.95, Pilot Barbie is $29.95 and Divorced Barbie is $395.95." The woman asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie so much more expensive?" The clerk: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat and Ken's furniture."

[BR60103]

The river was flooding. Sapphire was sitting on her porch when an army truck drove by and offered to take her off. "No, thanks. The Lord will provide."
Later on, the water was up to the porch and she was in her front window. A boat came across the lawn and offered to take her away. "No, thanks. The Lord will provide."
The next morning she was standing on her roof and a helicopter came by with a rope ladder. "No, thanks. The Lord will provide."
Four hours later, she was standing at the Pearly Gates, talking to God. "I thought you would provide!" "I sent a car, a boat and a helicopter. What more did you want?"

[LiveSteamer]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.

[FiatFan]

My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca not so much.

[ezdays]

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old-school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. That fly didn’t stand a chance.

[FiatFan]

Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die. Which shows how toxic the media is.

[Charlie B]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger asks, “Who?”
The cabby explains, “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabby: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife null

[ezdays]

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon? Great food but it lacked atmosphere

[Tyson Rayles]